Harry Potter and the Wizard Orphans
by HipsterHogwarts
Summary: The years at Hogwarts did not go as you think. During the school years of Harry and the others there were these four strange orphans who brought chaos and their own joy to the place, this is there story
1. Chapter 1

The Hipster Hogwarters Book One (How is that title James?)

Chapter One: James's Letter

Ok, so everyone is like, hurray for the Boy Who Lived, or whatever you call him.

Kudos to Potter!

Wahoo!

Three cheers babies!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, big freaking deal! You know there were a lot of other wizard boys and girls that were involved too, and we were just as in on it as Pot-head! We got to watch our school crumble to bits all for the sake of old scar boy getting his kicks with Red, after he 'vanquished' the dark lord.

I call B.S. on the whole matter.

Sure not all of us were as 'good' little students as Harry and friends. Heck, some us of would have happily spat in McGonagall's pumpkin juice rather than suck up for house points like that Barbie doll wanna be, Hermione Granger. So yeah, we weren't the best of heroes, but we sure as hell left an impression.

From Googling house riddles to chilling in Snape's detention, drinking at the pub to dancing on Diggory's grave. We totally rocked!

Who am I? I am the one generally responsible for the light show, and the girl who has at least one of the Weasley twins whipped. Evil laugh.

Over and Out.

~Angel

The night our story begins was not unlike any other night at Stone Ridge Orphanage. A young boy is lead, kicking and biting, straight to the gates of his 'precious' home.

The fat, old, bat, Mrs. Pain, answered the door with her usual fake smile. She thanked the town gardener for returning the boy, then lead the little orphanage back to his room, by the roots of his pitch black hair.

"Now if you run off again you little monster, I will lock you in the cellar until Christmas of next year!" With that she tossed the boy into a room, slammed the door shut and locked it.

James Draco Poe picked himself off the dirty floor and yelled at the newly locked door, "Oh yeah! Well I broke out before and I'll do it again! And that gardener wouldn't have found me if he hadn't yelled Marco!" With that he turned around and shot all the other orphans a look that dared any of them to so much as speak and marched to his bed.

All the orphan's eyes turned to the floor as he passed, not one of them having the guts to even breathe.

Making his way to the back of the room, James threw himself into the empty bed and stared up at the ceiling with loathing. As he lay there, a small shadow pounced in through a large crack in one of the windows, scurried across the floor, and then sprang on to the end of James's bed.

"Hey Nuts," James mumbled, bringing out a hand to stroke the little squirrel.

"Psst, psst…." An orphan whispered, "James, you are not allowed to have that thing indoors, you are going to get us all in trouble". Nuts glared at the orphan who had spoken, and squeaked her annoyance whilst holding up a paw with a single digit held up (you can guess which finger it was).

"That was the first thing I taught her," James chuckled as Nuts curled up beside him.

A big burly orphan in the bed next to him brought up a giant pillow and slammed it over the boy's head. "You shut the hell up. Hey James, what's going on buddy?"

James smirked, "Hey Tom, what's up man? Where is Angel? I need another escape route."

"Another one? But you promised to help me write a new dirty novel two weeks ago!" spoke a girl with long frizzy hair, who looked up from a book she was reading as she made her way to the end of James's bed.

"Hell yeah another one! You don't expect me to stay in this hell hole when I could be on the streets makin' money and fuckin' bitches! HAHA." James exclaimed.

Yumiko shook her head innocently, reaching out a hand to stroke Nuts too.

"Well I've got a problem with it," Tom piped in.

"Shut up you Irish bastard."

"Hey, listen up you little cunt, every time you escape the old bat gives us hell. Do you want to know where that skank Angel is? She got stuck in cellars; she's been down there for two days, because they knew she was the one that blew out that big hole you escaped through."

James puffed, "Please, Angel is tougher then she looks, she can handle it. And I fail to see how her giving YOU hell is my problem."

Tom's frown widened, "You listen here James, one more escape and we all get thrown in there for a long time, and let me tell you, if I end up down there, I'm kicking you as…."

The lock on the door unlocked. Yumiko squealed and sprang for her bed. Her book wrestled with her boobs as she tried to stuff it into her shirt.

A girl with a small top hat, and stripped green and black gantlets, was tossed into the room. The door slammed shut behind her, and then was locked again.

She glared at the door for only a moment before marching to the back of the room, yelling as she did, "Where the hell is that little punk that made all my suffering worth nothing? JAMES!" She sprang for his bed and wrapped her hands around his throat.

"Wahoo! Angel! Wait!"

Angel glared down into James's fearful eyes, before a smile cracked on her face, "Eh, I'm just kidding James. It's cool." She promptly released James' throat and remarked, "I decided to redecorate the cellar for us while I was down there."

You could hear Yumiko squeak in excitement, with her task of hiding her book already given up on.

Angel stood up on James's bed and waved her hands out, taking a bow, she called to everyone in the room, "And Angel has done it again!"

Yumiko giggled and clapped enthusiastically.

"SHHHHH!" several voices pleaded.

"Ah knock it off all off you groovy cats! The old lady went to bed."

"You Americans," Tom shook his head, "always in it for the show."

"Stick it Leprechaun."

"Why don't you take a rod and shove up your…."

"Hey no fighting or the witch will come and take away my yaoi again." Yumiko glared at them both with an obvious grudge.

"Can it you English piece of trash."

The eyes of every other orphan in the room looked up, which just caused Yumiko to giggle and stick her tongue out at Tom.

Angel laughed, "Uh oh Tom, now you've done it. Forget where we are again?"

"Alright I'm bored with this shit, time to split." James sprang out of bed, taking Nuts with him. The squirrel quickly made her way onto James's right shoulder, her customary spot.

"Where are you going?" Yumiko cried.

"I already said it—I am out of here. The oppressors are asleep and I am booking it."

Tom got out of bed, "Well if you are leaving then I am too, no way am I sticking around here to take the fall for you."

James smiled. "That's my buddy Tom." He promptly punched him in the arm.

Yumiko buried her face in her pillow. "I won't leave without my stuff! Uh uh, never going to make me because you can't sees me!"

Angel shot down onto the floor, her hands placed on her hips, "You guys are dorks. You know you are only going to get brought back here again right?"

"Doesn't matter," James said, turning back to her, "now do you have another way out?"

Angel's smile grew, she reached into her pocket and slapped an envelope onto James's open palm. "Baby I got several, in fact, there is one for each of us."

James stared down at the fancy envelope in his hand, "What the hell is this?"

"It's a letter from some school that wants us".

"What school would want us?" Tom asked, ripping open the envelope that was passed to him.

Yumiko slid out of bed and grabbed her envelope next. "Well if it's a school then they are bound to give me inspiration for my new story, hey they might even have someone who will play 'Name That Song' through a whole class period!"

"Hogwarts," James read, "what the fuck is Hogwarts?" Another set of eyes peered over James's shoulder, staring at the parchment with curiosity.

"I don't know," Angel responded back, "keep reading."

"School of wiz…."

"Shhh!" Angel leaned in, "Not out loud you douchebag!"

James finished reading quickly after that, "I knew it!" he said at last, "I knew I wasn't normal!"

"I don't believe it," Tom shook his head, "this has to be some kind of joke."

"Oh it's no joke," Angel replied. "That old bitch bat saw these and flipped! Why do you think she was so peeved at us? Well ok, more peeved than normal. I say you either hop on board with the rest of us Tom, or get hell off this train."

"Oh yeah? Well if this is real, then prove it, California."

Just then a wall caved in on the other side of the room. The orphans in curled up in their beds were too startled to even scream at what they saw coming in through the gaping wall.

A giant man with a large jacket and boots entered the room, "Well hello you four, my name is Hagrid and I am here to help you get to Hogwarts."

Yumiko went wide eyed and whispered "_Tall!_" as she made her way to his right arm and began trying to climb it.

James, Angel, and Nuts all turned to look at Tom, who simply folded his letter into his pocket and said, "Well, I'm a believer."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two: Too Many Toms

Angel said we were to write a journal entry to mark our thoughts to you confused readers but I think I'll let my actions speak for themselves…

~James~

James glared outside the bus window with another sigh, "Why are we taking this dump? Can't we ride broom sticks or something?"

Yumiko looked up giggled and took out a book a new light in her eyes. Tom took the non-verbal hint.

"You like riding sticks, don't you James?" Tom snorted as he fixed his eyes on his list again. "Hey Hagroad, isn't there some kind of weapons class or something?"

"You stupid piece of shit, at least I know I'd never be a bitch like you."

"Um….its Hagrid," Hagrid suddenly interrupted. "And we don't have a weapons class. We are also not allowed to use magic outside of Hogwarts, so that is why we are not riding any brooms."

"What?" Angel looked up, her jaw dropped in horror. "You mean I don't get to blow things up? That totally sucks!"

Hagrid fixed Angel with a look, "I know a pair of twins you would make great friends with when you get to school."

Yumiko sat quietly, her eyes sucked into her book, so Hagrid thought it a wise idea to talk to her. "Well now there sweetie, what are you reading?"

Yumiko did not look up as she answered but grinned a grin the rest of the group knew well. "I'm reading a Yaoi."

"Yaoi, what is that? I have never heard of it."

Again, without looking up, Yumiko reached into her back pack and pulled out another Yaoi, one that apparently she used to teach Tom because he turned a bright shade of red when he saw it while James looked on disgusted. She set the book into Hagrid's hands. "Here, educate yourself."

Hagrid looked through the book, his eyes bulging out of his head the further he read. He slammed it shut while looking up at the girl with horror in his pale face.

The train ride couldn't go fast enough for the giant, who wanted a strong ale the moment they got to the pub before Diagon Alley. And, if Tom didn't sell it to him, that man was going to be hit over the head with his umbrella.

Nuts was the first off the train, quickly followed by James yelling, "My nuts is getting away!" as she sprinted through the crowd, causing the speculators to part like the red sea. The children simply followed, Yumiko spinning, walking and humming, while Hagrid took up the lead, shaking his head as he went.

When the pub was in sight the giant took up speed and marched in the door without even glancing behind him to see if the orphans made it in. Marching right up to the counter he fixed Tom with a look and ordered his usual.

"Good evening children," Tom smiled as he noticed the orphans, "My name is Tom, I run this here pub."

The orphan Tom looked up, "Well ain't that something, my name is Tom too."

James ignored both Toms as he walked in with Nuts on his shoulder, and took a seat. "I'll have whatever will get me drunk the fastest."

Tom the bartender went wide eyed. "B-b-but you are a student!"

"So what? Are you going to cart me off or something? Angel read me Lord of the Rings, so I know about wizards! We smoke weed, set things on fire and drink until we start saying nothing but crazy shit, which we pass off as ancient knowledge the next day! Now give me a freaking….something!"

Hagrid looked pleadingly at Tom, then he grinned. "Yes Tom, get these children some Butterbeers."

Tom grinned back and winked as he fixed the children up with drinks.

"Now that is more like it!" James said relieved as he tipped glasses with his Tom.

Angel took a big drink of hers before noticing that Yumiko hadn't even touched her drink. "You having any of that?"

Yumiko shook her head while pulling out Tom and James's tally sheet and a marker labeled "_Punishment_". Just before Angel could touch it, though, Nuts dunked her head into the cup and began loudly drinking it up, her eyes on Angel with a "mine!" look on her face.

Hagrid finished his drink and slammed his cup down and abruptly said, "Come on children, let's get your Hogwarts things."

"But I ain't even buzzed!" James grumbled.

"You won't get buzzed, there is no alcohol in your drink," the giant merely replied.

"You tricked us with virgin drinks!" Tom barked. "You giant asshole! I'm an Irishman; I like to have my booze!"

Hagrid got up. "Yeah, and something tells me I will be needing more of that before the day is over. Now lets go!"

The children followed him out into the alley way, where Hagrid began tapping his umbrella against the wall.

James leaned over and whispered conspiratorially to Tom, "That big guy seems to like to use that umbrella _way_ too much!"

Angel slipped in between the two of them and stated giddily, "Then the two of you should get along with him very well!" Yumiko giggled and hugged Angel with a look resembling hero-worship in her eyes, and Angel patted her head.

"You sick bitchs…." Tom started to say, but the words died on his lips as the group glared at him. _No_ _one_ called Yumiko a bitch—it was a silent rule. But before punishment was distributed, the wall split open and the children all froze in shock.

"Welcome Orphans, to Diagon Alley!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: Diagon Alley and Bad Birthday Presents

_Hey. Nuts here._

_ I just can't _wait _ to get to Hogwarts! Just wait till the kids find out that I can speak! And sing! And do lots of things! I can't wait to get my hands on some of that magical shit that they keep in that school…so close….. Maybe I can finally be changed._

_AND get my hands on some FIZZING WHIZZBEES!_

_-squeak!-_

_Bye peeps._

As the children followed Hagrid along Diagon Alley, Hagrid found that he had a serious job of trying to keep them together: first there was the bank, where Yumiko got three goblins addicted to Yaoi, _and_ had mysteriously master gobbledygook—and when Hagrid asked how she shrugged, and told him that if she could learn cheerleader in a week, then goblin language was nothing—_then_ there was the robes shop, where Angel and Tom had a needle war, complete with Yumiko rooting for Angel as Nuts perched on her shoulder, and James criticizing the way they held their 'swords'. _THEN_ there was the book store where James attempted to show some younger children pictures of naked witches, which he found in several of the books in "the back", and Yumiko got lost six times in the shelves and hissed violently at people who got too close to her 'claimed books'.

Hagrid was still rubbing his arm where a mother witch had smacked him when he tried to come to James's rescue, when they passed by a dark alley that caught James's attention.

"What's that, Fagrid?"

Hagrid didn't even bother correcting him about his name, he just turned and glared as he said: "That's Knockturn Alley. It is a bad place in which you would not want to get caught in, as terrible things tend to happen there. Dark wizard shop in that place, evil people with hearts as black as coal, and all that."

Hagrid thought he had scared James enough with those words, but already Nuts was shaking her heads with 'you are the biggest idiot I know' expression, as James leaned in to Angel and said, "Hey, give me a distraction."

Angel's eyes lit up as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a small sphere. Abruptly she raced out in front of Hagrid's feet and shouted, "Fire in the hole!", while tossing the sphere under a cart where a man was trying to sell toad eyes. The sphere exploded into a disgusting mess as the man yelped and pushed his cart over.

Hagrid raced over to help the man while James took the opportunity to rush off into Knockturn Alley. Yumiko ran over to Angel and told her that she had seen a vampire, and was going to ask it if it liked _Twilight_ and skipped off whistling the tune, "If your happy and you know it clap your hands."

It was dark and creepy—but that was the way James liked it—as he made his way from shop to shop. At last James spied someone who looked out his age and figured it was time to work his magic. "Hey you! Blondeie! Yeah, you!"

"Excuse me?" the boy sputtered, not used to being addressed that way. "My name is Draco Malfoy, I'll have you know. Now what do you want?"

"Nuttin, just thought I would come down here and show you bitches who the top dog was," James replied cheekily.

Draco glared, "Just who the hell _are_ you?"

"The name is James, and you are right, I _am_ from Hell."

Just then two adults walked out on to the streets—one man and one woman. The woman reached out and placed a hand on Draco's head and told him, "Come along now Draco, we still have much business we need to attend to."

Nut's eyes widened considerably as she recognized the glamorous blonde couple, and gave a surprised squeak. Abruptly the little squirrel made her way down James's shirt, just barely avoiding Lucius Malfoy's scrutinizing gaze.

Meanwhile Yumiko, who had gotten distracted from her vampire hunt, spotted the blonde and yanking him away from the woman. She shouted " You can't have him he's my _uke_!" The beautiful blonde woman sneered in distain and pulled her son back to her side. "Hello, who is your friend, son?"

Draco shook his head and replied, "No friend of mine mother!" He fidgeted and struggled as he tried to get of the girl's grasp, while James laughed uncontrollably.

The poor blonde boy's mother's nose wrinkled as she stared down at James, her eyes going wide as if she had seen a ghost, "_What is your name boy_?"

"JAMES!" Hagrid roared, "JAMES DRACO POE GET OVER HERE NOW!"

James winked at Draco's mother and grinned. "Got to go!" he yelled as he raced off. He dragged a sullen Yumiko behind him to a fuming Hagrid.

"No more!" Hagrid roared. "_No more_! You _behave_, all of you!"

The orphans looked at each other as if on cue, giving the secret symbol that it was time to play their greatest trick. The all ducked their heads down, fixing their eyes upon the ground, even Nuts (who had finally dared to reemerge from James's shirt).

"We are sorry, Hagrid!" Angel said.

"Sorry!" Yumiko sobbed, "We don't know any better no one likes us so we were just exited to meet new people!"

Hagrid's anger had melted away in an instant. "Oh, I don't know," he sighed heavily. He wiped a hand over his face. "I suppose I _am_ being a little hard on all of you. How's this sound—you all behave while we get your wands, and I will get all of you a present!"

The orphans all winked at each other as the giant turned his back. Yumiko sniffled and launched herself at Hagrid's back, laughing as she hugged him.

When they entered the Wand Shop, the children _did_ try to behave, but that didn't stop James from snorting, "It smells funny in here!"

They did do a good job though. Olivander even compliment Hagrid on their behavior as he wrapped up their wands! James's wand was made with dragon claw, Yumiko's with unicorn hair and white rose petals, Tom with wolfsbane, and Angel's with phoenix feather.

"Alright," Hagrid sighed, "Time for the presents…."

The children raced off excitedly, heading in different directions before Hagrid could blink. Tom went straight for the magic reload gun store, Yumiko rushed to the pet store for a kitten—but after near-violent protesting from Nuts, she chose to buy a lot of blood pops—which caused the orphans to sweat with worry as they remember the last time she had candy. Nuts and James accompanied Angel to the magic technology store so she could get a laptop and he could get a cell phone. Nuts eagerly perused the newer model iPods as James and Angel made their purchases. By the time they were done, Hagrid was racing them back to the pub….he _badly_ needed another drink.


End file.
